Time flies...

I'm not a scientist or anything, but I do honestly believe that time passes faster as we get older. Either I'm getting slower, the clocks in our house are on some kind of super speed, or maybe its both!

This past weekend I attended my 10 year college reunion. Amazingly enough no one seems to have changed that dramatically. Yes, people have gotten married, gotten divorced, had kids, bought homes, changed jobs, etc. But essentially, the core of who we all were as individuals and as a collective seems to not have changed a bit. We still gravitated to the same groups of people, looked around at each other to pass judgment (both good and bad), and we pretty much look the same. At least I thought so... but honestly Facebook has changed how I felt at my 10 year reunion versus at my 5 year reunion. 5 years ago I don't even think Facebook existed and if it did, well then I wasn't aware of it. Now, I'm pretty much all caught up on the "where are you living, did you get married to so-and-so, do you have kids, where are you working, etc." scoop on a day-to-day basis. So, I was saved a number of awkward 3-5 minute conversations wondering how I could get all the juicy info, and move on to the next person I recognized across the room. But that created even more awkwardness...

Was I supposed to go up to these people and talk to them anyway? It's not like I remember having longer than 3-5 minute conversations with most of them during the 4 years we were in school together. Why start now? So I did what any good 30-something would do... I grabbed a glass of wine and spent time with my closer friends who had all gathered in the same location coming from across the country to say hi, share some laughs, and take some group photos. All of which helped me come to terms with the fact that the 10 years since college went by in a flash and I'm sure the next 10 will go by even faster.

Now, as I sit here making my son's 1st birthday party invitations, I only hope that time will go more slowly so I can savor his last days as a baby. Next thing I know, he'll be going to his 10 year reunion!

Off to work I go... or not.

Yesterday I went to get my hair colored and cut... the first time in more than 6 months.  First of all, I feel like a new person again.  It's amazing how such a small change can affect your mood! I feel a little guilty because I didn't go to my friend who is my regular stylist, but I couldn't get in to her limited schedule when I had the time (aka babysitter Wednesday!) to go. It was interesting to go to someone new.  It turns out we had a lot to talk about!

We started off the conversation with the usual discussion about what I wanted done to my hair, a little celebrity gossip, and some background about ourselves.  As our conversation evolved we came to the interesting realization that we are constantly asked the same question these days... "So, are you going back to work?" Otherwise known as "Is this what you want to do for the rest of your life?" Ahhhhh, so many people ask me this since I have a graduate degree and am now a stay-at-home mom.  I guess it's a fair question and to be honest, I would probably (and most likely have in the past...) ask it of my friends who are in the same situation. As I get ready to head to my 10-year college reunion next weekend I know I'd better prepare my canned response because I KNOW I will be asked this by pretty much everyone I run into.

There are so many ways I can respond.  I mean, there's the strictly logical perspective: my career has been to work for small arts organizations and they don't have the ability to pay a salary that generally warrants the hours one puts in or cover the costs and challenges of childcare these days. There's the emotional response: motherhood has totally changed my perspective on life and I don't know that continuing my previous career will fulfill my new outlook. There's the intellectual response: I was no longer challenged by my professional choices and decided to take my child-bearing years to re-evaluate my career choice. And of course, the "I'm a mommy first and foremost" response: I love my baby and want to spend as much time as possible with him.

Frankly, each one covers about 100% of my decision to stay home. There is no simple canned response. I enjoy being home and watching each developmental change my son goes through - big and small. Additionally, I really haven't been challenged by my job for a while; I know how to achieve success doing what I did but found the most challenging part to be effectively coping with coworkers who didn't understand my job or what it took to succeed in my specialization (whatever happened to a team-oriented supportive work environment - are those totally dead now?! everyplace I seem to work hires lots of "throw your colleagues under the bus to save your own butt" types). And of course, motherhood has totally changed my perspective on life - its not all hype, it really does happen. For me, it even kicked in when I was pregnant! Thank goodness, because when I realized what it would cost to hire a flexible nanny or find a daycare to take my son I realized that I would be making mere pennies and adding more stress to my life trying to schedule his care than joy by going back to work in a position that didn't fulfill my dreams.

So, I took a gamble. I shook the magic 8 ball and all signs pointed to "stay at home". To be honest I really do love it. I'm very lucky that my wonderful husband makes enough that we can afford for me to stay home.  Don't get me wrong, there are definitely days when I wish I could go to an office, sit in a cubicle and be on the computer or in meetings all day (fyi... these days usually happen to coincide with Jonah's teething or fussy days). But overall, I am really happy taking care of my family. And by all accounts, motherhood is a full-time job! 

Will I do this forever? I don't know. You'll have to keep reading to find out, I guess!

Independence Day

There are so many thoughts running through my mind and so much I would like to share, that tonight I am struggling a bit with what to type here. For starters, I'll just say that my grandmother passed away on Wednesday night, not quite 12 hours after I saw her that afternoon. I know she is better off where she is now and that she will forever be Jonah's guardian angel.  With that I can begin to come to terms with her passing. 

This weekend, we were lucky enough to have a visit from two of Jonah's (6) grandparents.  What a lucky kid, right?! Since my dearest husband is out of town for work for a week (starting this past Saturday morning, poor guy!), I had a chance to bond with my in-laws on my own.  We had quite the philosophical conversation last night over dinner and a couple glasses of wine after putting my son to bed. We discussed the challenges of raising children at any age and the importance of encouraging them to be independent human beings - something I feel very strongly about as well because my parents taught me to value this too, esp. since I am an only child.

How do you go about instilling this in your children from the beginning of their lives?  Afterall, I spend most of my time worrying about him, even when he's just sleeping in the next room and I can see him on our high-tech video monitor... and according to my mother, this never stops.  Bring on the psychotherapists now! I think along with working with my husband to ensure Jonah is capable of someday taking care of himself, I am going to have to also work on how to keep myself sane since all I want to do is hold on to him tightly 24 hours a day. Too bad he's a squirmy little boy and only cuddles when he's tired or sick. Looks like he's already exhibiting his own sense of independence!

From the first days to the last days

Today Jonah and I had the pleasure of meeting the babies of two of my friends who both gave birth in August. It is amazing how small they start off and how quickly you (meaning me, really) can forget that they come in such tiny bundles at the beginning.  They're so sweet smelling and fragile - not at all the sturdy, squiggly, stinky-pooping machine that my baby son is now! 

I remember when I had Jonah, some friends came by to visit and said the same thing (their children were about 6-8 months older). I thought it was silly - he seemed so big at the time - and he was average-sized when he was born! I remembered the look in their eyes as they held my little boy and the softness that washed over their faces as they took him in.  The same thing happened to me today as I looked into the eyes of these fabulous little babies. I felt that calm peacefulness wash over me and then I looked back at my little man and the feeling only intensified.  I guess one could attribute it to loving motherhood, others might say its hormones, and still others might say "sounds like you should start thinking about #2"... Which made me start thinking about that other age old question: how long does one wait before trying (if trying is the issue) to get pregnant again? I guess I'll address that one when we do decide to expand our family!  For now, I've got enough on my hands trying to keep my son who never stops moving safe from, well, himself!

Needless to say, after these joyous visits, I was feeling pretty high on life today.  Unfortunately, I just found out that my grandmother, who has been in a nursing home since April after suffering a major stroke in March, is spiraling downward. Its been interesting to watch her transition through this last phase in her life as she and Jonah had more similarities than differences... trouble communicating their needs and desires, trouble eating, etc. Despite that, I know that when it is her time to go one of my fondest memories of her will be the sparkle in her eye that she would have when she would see her great-grandson and that her life was full of love for others and the love that others had for her.

Let the exploration begin...

In an effort to start off properly by actually posting more than one entry to this blog, I thought I'd take advantage of some of my "me" time today by discussing just that... "me" time.

Most new moms, as well as many more seasoned ones (from what I understand), think the concept of "me" time is, well, total b.s.  And to some extent that is true (I mean privacy in the bathroom is a total work of fiction, right?!).  For me personally, this time is only available when: 

1. my dearest husband's schedule allows him to be home more regularly and he takes care of our son on his own (and let's face it, we're now a one-salary family since I left my job when my son was born, so this doesn't happen often),

2. my parents or in-laws decide they need some quality time with their grandson and usher me out the door telling me I need to take a break (which despite the best of intentions on everyone's part isn't easy to coordinate because honestly they've just gotten their lives back to some extent since we no longer live with them or depend upon them for our daily livelihood), or

3. we hire a babysitter.

Today, as is the case with most "me" time I get, we went with option number 3. Actually, we recently hired a student from a nearby university to come over one afternoon a week so that I can actually have time to myself. That way my husband doesn't have to hear me whine about how I didn't even have 5 minutes during the day to check my email, after all as he always says, "a happy wife makes for a happy life." 

My goal during this time is to actually spend all of it on myself, though I am finding that I end up using some of it to do housework while I'm not occupied following, sorry make that chasing, my crawling/cruising baby boy around. To be honest, I do feel better when the house is in order though, so maybe that does count toward spending it on myself - it just happens to benefit others too...

Anyway, to back track a bit, during the first visit from our lovely sitter I actually went to the movies.  I hadn't been to the movies since about 2 days before my son was born.  It was wonderful!  I immersed myself in popcorn, candy, soda and a fantastic chick-flick!  Then the movie ended... and I still had an hour to kill before I had to head home. I ended up wandering around the mall going in and out of all the children's stores looking for things for my son and wondering what he was doing and I was feeling, to be honest, totally sad. It was official: I had separation anxiety! 

There's all this information out there about how to address your baby's separation anxiety issues, but no one really talks about the separation anxiety you feel when you leave your one-and-only child alone with someone you barely know (or even with a trusted friend or relative!). When I mentioned this to my mommy-friends they all sighed and said that they too had experienced this and that it gets easier.  I honestly wasn't sure I believed them.  But now that the sitter's come for a few weeks in a row it is actually getting easier - as long as I occupy myself with projects and things to do. 

So, in an effort to give myself some direction, because I will admit I am a bit (and that's putting it lightly...) of an obsessive planner, I am hoping to spend some of my "me" time each week thinking more about what job/career I would like to have when my son goes to school, working out so I can try to shed those last pounds of baby weight that won't magically disappear on their own, pamper myself (hello hot steamy showers that last more than 5 minutes!), and process my thoughts here through this blog. 

Wish me luck!

A new adventure...

So, I'm sitting here... it's 9 pm, I've put my 9.5 month old son to bed and finally eaten some dinner, my husband's still at work (since 8:30 am!), and I'm contemplating my next move.  Should I do some housework (there is after-all a load of laundry in the dryer waiting to be folded and dishes to be done...), email (I can't tell you how guilty I feel that it now takes me days, weeks, or even months to respond to emails that I used to be able to do in 5 minutes time), thank you notes for the amazing gifts we have received over the past year for my son (for some reason I am always behind on these too now...), pay bills (why must they keep coming?!), or finally take some time for "me"? All in all, a typical conundrum for someone in the midst of what I personally refer to as "the mommy-life crisis".

What is a mommy-life crisis you may ask? Well, from my perspective, it involves the exploration of "self" much like the commonly referenced mid-life crisis, or the more recently coined quarter-life crisis. For me, it is based around a major CHANGE in my life - having my first child.

All of the sudden, I am evaluating things I thought I had all figured out... my career, my social life, my financial situation, my emotional well-being, and my body. On top of that I am now exploring a world of new issues like baby-proofing, child-care, and navigating the educational system from a parental perspective! 

I figured I would take advantage of the wonderful world of technology by starting this blog to evaluate all of this and more... Hopefully, this will hit home with other people who are in a similar situation, have been in this situation, or are considering entering the world of mommy-hood!