From the first days to the last days

Today Jonah and I had the pleasure of meeting the babies of two of my friends who both gave birth in August. It is amazing how small they start off and how quickly you (meaning me, really) can forget that they come in such tiny bundles at the beginning.  They're so sweet smelling and fragile - not at all the sturdy, squiggly, stinky-pooping machine that my baby son is now! 

I remember when I had Jonah, some friends came by to visit and said the same thing (their children were about 6-8 months older). I thought it was silly - he seemed so big at the time - and he was average-sized when he was born! I remembered the look in their eyes as they held my little boy and the softness that washed over their faces as they took him in.  The same thing happened to me today as I looked into the eyes of these fabulous little babies. I felt that calm peacefulness wash over me and then I looked back at my little man and the feeling only intensified.  I guess one could attribute it to loving motherhood, others might say its hormones, and still others might say "sounds like you should start thinking about #2"... Which made me start thinking about that other age old question: how long does one wait before trying (if trying is the issue) to get pregnant again? I guess I'll address that one when we do decide to expand our family!  For now, I've got enough on my hands trying to keep my son who never stops moving safe from, well, himself!

Needless to say, after these joyous visits, I was feeling pretty high on life today.  Unfortunately, I just found out that my grandmother, who has been in a nursing home since April after suffering a major stroke in March, is spiraling downward. Its been interesting to watch her transition through this last phase in her life as she and Jonah had more similarities than differences... trouble communicating their needs and desires, trouble eating, etc. Despite that, I know that when it is her time to go one of my fondest memories of her will be the sparkle in her eye that she would have when she would see her great-grandson and that her life was full of love for others and the love that others had for her.

Let the exploration begin...

In an effort to start off properly by actually posting more than one entry to this blog, I thought I'd take advantage of some of my "me" time today by discussing just that... "me" time.

Most new moms, as well as many more seasoned ones (from what I understand), think the concept of "me" time is, well, total b.s.  And to some extent that is true (I mean privacy in the bathroom is a total work of fiction, right?!).  For me personally, this time is only available when: 

1. my dearest husband's schedule allows him to be home more regularly and he takes care of our son on his own (and let's face it, we're now a one-salary family since I left my job when my son was born, so this doesn't happen often),

2. my parents or in-laws decide they need some quality time with their grandson and usher me out the door telling me I need to take a break (which despite the best of intentions on everyone's part isn't easy to coordinate because honestly they've just gotten their lives back to some extent since we no longer live with them or depend upon them for our daily livelihood), or

3. we hire a babysitter.

Today, as is the case with most "me" time I get, we went with option number 3. Actually, we recently hired a student from a nearby university to come over one afternoon a week so that I can actually have time to myself. That way my husband doesn't have to hear me whine about how I didn't even have 5 minutes during the day to check my email, after all as he always says, "a happy wife makes for a happy life." 

My goal during this time is to actually spend all of it on myself, though I am finding that I end up using some of it to do housework while I'm not occupied following, sorry make that chasing, my crawling/cruising baby boy around. To be honest, I do feel better when the house is in order though, so maybe that does count toward spending it on myself - it just happens to benefit others too...

Anyway, to back track a bit, during the first visit from our lovely sitter I actually went to the movies.  I hadn't been to the movies since about 2 days before my son was born.  It was wonderful!  I immersed myself in popcorn, candy, soda and a fantastic chick-flick!  Then the movie ended... and I still had an hour to kill before I had to head home. I ended up wandering around the mall going in and out of all the children's stores looking for things for my son and wondering what he was doing and I was feeling, to be honest, totally sad. It was official: I had separation anxiety! 

There's all this information out there about how to address your baby's separation anxiety issues, but no one really talks about the separation anxiety you feel when you leave your one-and-only child alone with someone you barely know (or even with a trusted friend or relative!). When I mentioned this to my mommy-friends they all sighed and said that they too had experienced this and that it gets easier.  I honestly wasn't sure I believed them.  But now that the sitter's come for a few weeks in a row it is actually getting easier - as long as I occupy myself with projects and things to do. 

So, in an effort to give myself some direction, because I will admit I am a bit (and that's putting it lightly...) of an obsessive planner, I am hoping to spend some of my "me" time each week thinking more about what job/career I would like to have when my son goes to school, working out so I can try to shed those last pounds of baby weight that won't magically disappear on their own, pamper myself (hello hot steamy showers that last more than 5 minutes!), and process my thoughts here through this blog. 

Wish me luck!

A new adventure...

So, I'm sitting here... it's 9 pm, I've put my 9.5 month old son to bed and finally eaten some dinner, my husband's still at work (since 8:30 am!), and I'm contemplating my next move.  Should I do some housework (there is after-all a load of laundry in the dryer waiting to be folded and dishes to be done...), email (I can't tell you how guilty I feel that it now takes me days, weeks, or even months to respond to emails that I used to be able to do in 5 minutes time), thank you notes for the amazing gifts we have received over the past year for my son (for some reason I am always behind on these too now...), pay bills (why must they keep coming?!), or finally take some time for "me"? All in all, a typical conundrum for someone in the midst of what I personally refer to as "the mommy-life crisis".

What is a mommy-life crisis you may ask? Well, from my perspective, it involves the exploration of "self" much like the commonly referenced mid-life crisis, or the more recently coined quarter-life crisis. For me, it is based around a major CHANGE in my life - having my first child.

All of the sudden, I am evaluating things I thought I had all figured out... my career, my social life, my financial situation, my emotional well-being, and my body. On top of that I am now exploring a world of new issues like baby-proofing, child-care, and navigating the educational system from a parental perspective! 

I figured I would take advantage of the wonderful world of technology by starting this blog to evaluate all of this and more... Hopefully, this will hit home with other people who are in a similar situation, have been in this situation, or are considering entering the world of mommy-hood!